I’m Ok – I’m Bent Not Broken

I sit here struggling not just to get through this month, but this weekend in particular.  I’m writing in hopes that it will make me feel better.  Today is the day.  And tomorrow will be the first night I had ever slept alone, no dogs, no him, no nothing. Although tomorrow will be harder.  Today my breathing is, well, I’ll just throw it out there…it’s horrible.  I can’t breathe, it feels like someone is just pushing harder and harder, my legs are rubbery and he non stop flow of tears if I’m not busy for even just a few minutes.  It seems as if I’m fighting it.  Hey stop that Shit!  This might help because it’s true.  What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger.

You see all these posts ‘forgive and forget’…once you forgive you’re ‘free’.  Well, NO.  I don’t think so.  I’m never going to forgive or forget  And what I realized in the last few days is…what…what have I been say?  Do you remember?  I HAVE NO FUCKS TO GIVE  I’m all out of Fucks for this particular situation.

And all you Haters that say I’ll never be free because I chose not to forgive and forget.  You’re wrong.  I have more freedom in saying that than lying about how I truly feel.  You all want me to just say ‘i set myself free’.  I’ve done that.  It was a crappy thing.  Hurt (not to say I didn’t have my share of dishing it out).  I’m not going to forget that.  And, in fact, I do hate him.  And you know what?  If you judge me on that, then you are not as open and non judgmental as you think you are.  And that it’s OK to Hate.  It’s not a character flaw.  It’s what makes me who I am today.  I’m not a mean person.  I don’t sit here and plot revenge (ok I won’t lie, I do think of all he bad things that could happen).  When I say Hate, that’s where I have NO Fucks To Give.  AND PEOPLE..THAT’S PERFECTLY FINE AND DON’T YOU LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE.  You won’t burst into flames and have a life time of crappy luck.  You will just never feel good about that person.  AGAIN ..OK!!

By the way, I am an awesome person.  Just in case you were wondering while you read.  I AM AWESOME!  That’s one of the things you learn where you are Broken…That you are not, in fact Broken.  WE ARE NOT BROKEN JUST BENT.  And by being bent and experiencing pain we are formed and shaped into what we are today,  As Pink sang “we’re not broken, just bent and we can learn to love again”.  We CAN!  And I don’t just mean love in the sexual relationship.  I mean everyone.  This next video does not represent our relationship, it represents all relationships.  We CAN love everyone.   Ok, except him, I don’t love him (yes I just chuckled a bit).

I have to be honest, I’m not writing everyday, because it is hurting very much to relive this all over.  But on this 5 year anniversary of feeling that I was Broken, I feel the need to write.  I have that little micrdots in the back of my head that says I hate him.  And there you all go again…Oh, he’s renting space in your head!  You can’t be free!  You’ll always suffer.  Ok look I don’t wake up every morning and think or say “I hate him” and just move along with my day.  He doesn’t rent space, it’s merely a dot, that represents ALL of what I DON’T WANT.  A scar on my heart, if you will.  Just like in the medical world…A scar on your heart never goes away.  It’s just there.

For me, that’s a tool.  No, I don’t go around every time I get hurt that dot comes out and I say whoa, stop I have to revisit that particular memory.  It doesn’t.  It has just changed the way I look at relationships and how over the past 5 years I’ve learned I have a voice and that I can create boundaries that are safe for ME…NOT ANYONE ELSE…ME.  I don’t have to do what people want or chose for me.  WTF I’m 50…almost 51.  I chose to do and determine what makes me happy.  This moment, month, summer, I will remember how I fell down and struggled to get back up.  BUT, I will not ever forgive or forget what happened to me. AND I won’t forget how I had to do this alone.  I did it.

Which brings me to one of those stupid things that pumps you up just a little bit.  That moment you realize, you forgot his birthday or your anniversary or the day you first met.  There are lots of songs that say this…I love this one.  Now Your Just Somebody I Used To Know.   Enjoy.

With all of this said (written).  I will try to get through.  Even if it is for a mere moment, I will get through.

PEACE ♥

Dancing In The Rain – What Does Nature and Spirituality Have To Do With Exercise?

It poured here tonight, just before dark.  It got extremely cloudy and just poured.  As the mood I’m in is slightly somber, I am also celebrating the washing away of the past and all the pain it represents.  I ran outside as soon as it started to pour and grabbed the Dog.  We ran around the yard running and jumping and laughing.  I do this every now and again to feel the earth beneath my feet and the rain beating down on my body.  Cleansing and clearing the day, washing all of waste of what was on the ground to be absorbed by nature.

Ok it that granolaee for you all.  It is for me.  I occasionally have these little ‘spiritual moments’ I like to call them.  I feel free.  Like my inner child gets to dance now.  How often do you do that, just run outside and say fuck it, I don’t give a shit if my clothes get wet or my hair or whatever…this is just fucking fun!!!  The senses that take in all that nature and walking and dancing in the grass is what the article below is all about.  Where you work out, how you do, what is your spirituality and how does it interact with your wellness and exercise?

Find exercise that suits you as well as your mind.  Mine may not be the same every day, however that what works FOR ME.  What ever it is that works for you…DO IT.  Exercise is one of the MOST IMPORTANT things you can do for your Mental Health.  Keep moving, just keep moving.  Living Beyond The 5 Senses: The Importance Of Exercise For The Evolution Of Consciousness

Yesterday was tough and I got through the day.  I also got my first bass.  I am learning to play bass.  I’ve wanted to for years now and I finally have the courage to make that happen.  I had a great discussion with a friend of mine who I knew played the guitar but I did not know he plays the bass.  There is a difference, if you don’t know it, look it up.  Hahaha.  Anyway, he gave me a bass and taught me a little bit to get started.

I’m in Love!!!  The sound is so soothing to me.  I play African Djembe now, however I’ve been wanting to expand but not finding what I want.  I tried piano (cool, but not my thing) and guitar which is far too much hand work, I’m a more rhythm and funk chick.  I love the Blues so this will take me on an awesome Journey.  I haven’t named my bass yet.  We’ll see as I get to know it.

I must say goodnight as my eyes are closing from the emotions pouring out over the last few days.  I want you all to know I have been eating well.  I did have an Ice Cream Sundae over the weekend and a few Klondike Bars for comfort. Hahaha.  But for the most part I have been eating well.  Drinking seltzer for my meals.  I’ve had a few prepared meals and hamburgers and hot dogs.  I have all of my BBQ stuff with only half a bun…yes half a bun.  I don’t need all the bread and it tastes better.  My stats are healthy.  My Exercise is not so good.  I did go to the park every day however did not do the squat and tug exercise with the dog.  Just walks sometimes just getting out of the house.  Yes I went walking the last two rainy days. 🙂

Goodnight

PEACE ♥

Buzzfeed Quiz – Can We Guess Your Personality Based On What You Hate?

Can We Guess Your Personality Based On What You Hate?

You got: Adventurer

You crave adventure. You’re curious; you want to discover new things, to meet new people, to see, to touch, and to feel. You’re always ready for a new experience. You suffer from extreme wanderlust and your biggest dream is probably to travel around the world. What is worse, to live your dreams or to dream your life?

Why? – What’s Been Going On? Oh Nothing, It’s Just The Past…

So I haven’t written in a few days.  This has been coming on for a couple of months now as I get back into writing and all the memories brought up.  Sometimes technology can be a very creepy, scary thing.  My Timeshop App comes up with my memories every day.  I don’t usually look at them, but FB has put in a new feature in the last few months that just puts a link on your timeline to your Memories just like Timeshop.  So, long story short, going back 5 years, this is the month that “The Gatekeeper” left.  This whole month and these previous two have been extremely difficult and I haven’t shared simply because it sometimes to painful to think about.

I was engaged, I was working out, I was blogging.  I was caught red-handed in a lie.  However, not so much caught, rather set up.  I was to quit smoking while he was on a trip.  And we Skyped (the following is a tip for those who Skype).  So as we sat there (I was in the Staples parking lot), we said all our usual stuff and goodbyes and he was going out of the country.  So we hung up.  No we didn’t.  I had only hung up the audio portion of the call, the video was still running, as yep, here it comes…I lit right up on video.  Smoked while I did some surfing, then closed up the computer and went home.

The time went by and I didn’t quit.  The conversation never really came up until he came back.  And then it was the only question there was…”Did you quit?” “Yes, I Replied.”  That would continue for a whole week.  In my mind yes, I had quit.  24 hours before he got home.  And continued while he was home.  Then he wasn’t home.  He needed time at his relatives and would be back.  That was April and May.  By the first week of June both dogs had been so sick that I was told they would never be adopted out.  One dog had a large tumor and the other complete dysplasia in front and back legs.  I had to put both down within two weeks of each other.  That was a few days ago in 2010.

The first week of June rolled around after many months of Anxiety, Panic, and the passing of both of my furry children.  One was 8 and one was 5.  That ultimately lead me back to drinking and smoking again.  When he came back that next week in June to get his things, he said some very disturbing things.

1.  Never withhold sex in my relationship.  Explanation: 2 years prior to the break up, he had a brain aneurysm right after sex.  Ok so like he blew my mind and like I literally blew his.  So after a 110 mile an hour drive (yeah no ambulance) to the hospital, 6 hours of surgery, weeks of taking care of him and recovery.  Yeah, I wanted to have sex again, sure, I had no reservations…NOT, I was terrified!!!  We never talked about it, until he said that.  I didn’t respond because I didn’t have to.  I knew my reasons and it wasn’t important.  What was important was that I stayed.

2. I need someone who can be independent and keep their shit together.  Explanation:  I have mental illness (not an excuse) that I was trying to get a hold of and drinking.  I asked for help on several occasions because my insurance would not cover anything and I would not be admitted anywhere.  So all that big time money he made that he paid all his debts and loans and got his credit all good, but he couldn’t help his fiancé.  There was never money in the budget for Rehab and Sobriety.  Let’s not forget that in the beginning I WAS PAYING THE MORTGAGE all by myself and had bought a new Jeep.  hmmmmmmmm that’s pretty independent.

3.  And most important…You Lied.  Explanation:  I had NO HELP!!!  I couldn’t quit.  So I continued to drink and smoke until he got home.  Then I quit…so you are all thinking…oh yeah she’s trying to get out of it.  Nope, no I’m not.  I didn’t tell the truth about while he was gone.  Because he didn’t ask if I did those things while he was gone…he just ask the question…”Did you quit?”  In my mind, yep yes sir ee bob….I did, just 24 hours ago.  So I lied about smoking and that was the reason he left.  The other two were just statements.

An empty house with a bed. A couple of folding chairs and tables.  The quiet echo of the voices in my own head. It started me on the runway to all the hospital visits from drugs, alcohol and the eventual nervous breakdown I would suffer. Drifting in an out of what was my reality for about another year. The loss of him, loss of the dogs, loss of my house and finally the loss of my dignity behind a locked hospital ward (7 times in a row)  Looking back at all the pain this weekend was a difficult task, as I assume the rest of the month (as possibly the summer) will be.

Now I sit here in front of my computer 5 years later.  How ironic it is that he replaced my computer 5 years ago and I just bought my own last month.  There is no physical remains of what was supposed to be the perfect life.  I do know that he has moved away and is now happily married and living in a huge house and has the dog I always imagined I would get next.  Life is fluffy for them, and as he said to me about my family’s good fortune “It can change in the blink of an eye”.

One phrase: Karma is a Bitch.  Never forget that.

I’m not sure still how I will get through this month or how each days Timeshop and FB Memories will affect my mood or view of the day.  What I do know is that I can look at it each day and say…”I wasn’t just MY fault”.  Like my Dad always said “there are two sides to every story”.   In his story I’m just the crazy drinking bitch.  In mine, I am too.  But in mine, I’m begging for help.  And that’s ok, I did it myself.  With a little help from my friends.   Here is the tattoo for Mental Health Awareness month of May.  I got the Believe the year I became sober 2011 and now added In Hope to finish that particular Journey.

I am sad this month, however grateful for the friends I have gained in the last few years of my insanity. Thank you for all of those that were there then when all the CRAP went down and those that are here now. Forge on!! Be Open. Make Good Choices. Chose Your Friends Wisely and your Relationship Even Wiser…I posted this video 5 years ago and it brings me back and reminds me that I started over from there. I may not be where I want to be yet, but I’m on my way!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o22eIJDtKho

So now as I continue on my Journey alone (well The Dog), I stop to consider what is good for me and what is not and make my decisions accordingly.  If you or what you represent or your intentions are not genuine, I do not need that in my life.  I continue to surround myself with those that lift me up and, not for nothing….Just LOVE ME FOR ME!!!!

I’ll post stats and moods etc. later tonight.  MOOD: Somber but Hopeful ♥

Quick Note: PAIN a real thing after workouts…Reminder Tips and New Ones For Workouts At Home

Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.  Yes those very technical words to describe the pain felt after a trainer workout at Committed Fitness. Love the workout.  Did good stretching before and after, although her workouts are more intense We are still at the previous workout I mentioned.  Squats, side squats, squats over a bench/block.  We did something new.  Weight Ball Lifts.  10lb weight ball lift over head and slam on the ground.  Funny I expected it to bounce and it didn’t which I laughed at.  Nicole laughed too.  So repetitions of that.  So like 10-20 (5-10 if you are just starting).  Here’s the side squats.  If you need weights and can’t buy them, here are a few things I know and finally found a video.  Besides the curling of the water jugs you can also use them to lift over your head by either holding in front or in back depending what muscles you want to work out.  Fun Fact:  If you slam it on the ground it’s going to smash and you’ll get soaked, just sayin.  Also not in the video is: 100 pennies is a pound, so 100 pennies in each sock tied together can be an effective leg lift weight to hang on ankles when doing leg lifts.  

Good luck with the continued work out.  I have my water jug here and ready to go for my workout today.  I have a couple of single water bottles I curl with room temp water (so my hands don’t freeze).  I don’t have a bottle with a hook.  TTFN

PEACE. ♥

Quiz of the day – Which inspirational quote fits you best?

This is cool  Which Inspirational Quote Fits You Best

I would rather die of passion than of boredom. –Vincent van Gogh

This quote about doing what you love and not what others expect of you is perfect for you. If you do something you enjoy, have passion about, and thoroughly love, it will make you feel better than listening to everyone else. Being passionate about a hobby and doing a job you love will make your day better than going to do something you absolutely hate. Who cares about money? Doing something you enjoy to make the money will make you feel better about yourself.

Pain Maiden Welcomed Motivation – How I Eat? In Moderation. Treats Are Ok Once In A While

Some times I forget what motivates me to exercise or stay well.  Sometimes I need a reminder that what it is I’m doing is good.  Nicole does that for me. Committed Fitness.  She reminds me about wellness and really no bullshit.   I do have to say it kinda bugged me today when I said you should read my stats…response?  Yes, I will but I’m not going to read if you keep having eating ice cream.   I’m not going to stop eating ice cream ever.

This would be a good time to say that it is extremely hard to keep on track with food when you have certain Mental Health Issues.  Some eat for relief, some stop eating for relief.  Some find it hard to eat during the day and only eat once some eat all day long.  And again, some stop.  When people start telling me what to eat (even jokingly) I stop eating so this is one of those times.  I also realize that I recognize what’s happening.  So how do I stop?  Well, frankly I have no fucks to give.  So, I will continue to try to eat my best, however will not apologize for living my life the way I want.  Nicole is cool like that…but she’ll miss a lot.  She’s the first to say ‘good luck with that’.  I do feel though that if I really make the effort to eat right that I will be satisfied with my results.  And my opinion is really all that counts in this Journey of Self.

Here are the rules or the things I WON’T GIVE UP.  One regular coffee with cream and sugar and a turbo shot with a plain donut.  I have that once a week when I go to my therapist office.  It’s a personal wellness thing and NO I will not consider changing to something healthier.  It’s my routine and with therapy routine is key.  I’ll be honest I don’t always eat the whole donut, most just half.   Here is a cool link on veggies you can have indoors8 Vegetables and Fruits You Can Grow Indoors From Scraps.

My day today was weird.  I’m having a hard time coping.  I’ve been told by so many people who the medication I’m taking has an angry side effect.  I’m angry all the time and couldn’t figure out what might be causing it.  In the last 2 weeks I’ve traced my anger all the was back to my first increase.  This latest increase was freaky.  I was like ok I’m not normal I’m angry at stuff that is nothing.  So as I decrease I find the anger settling down and I am finding relief.  I am scared to talk to my psych about it as I would have to start over again.  There is a part of me that wants to start all over again now that I’m sober….tell me please what DO it have.  I have like 6 diagnosis that they play with.  So start new or try to talk to the old.  She seems to get irritated which is not her fault as I have never been good about taking meds consistently.

I have a couple of friends that I confide in and they are on the same page as me.  Heard of different reactions to what I take and all anger issues.  So I believe I’m doing the right thing and I have to talk with the Dr.

We don’t usually talk about any of this at home and here is a great article I read today addressing that: We Don’t Talk About Mental Illness In My Family

PEACE ♥

STATS:  Breakfast, Didn’t eat, don’t usually do that before a workout with Nicole, 3 cups of coffee.  Lunch, fruit 2 nectarines, one half english muffin with tbsp peanut butter.  Dinner, Chicken Thighs with cream of mushroom soup and sauted portabella mushrooms, 1 scoop of stuffing.  I did put 2 tbsp of gravy (mushroom soup) on my stuffing.  Seltzer Water.  Snack, 1/2 Klondike bar.

EXERCISE:  1/2 hour session with Pain Maiden.  Ran a about 1/4 mile this morning to warm up.

TIME:  On time for all appointments

MOOD:  Average, slightly anxious

Tumeric – Just another reason it should be in your diet…

Just another quick post on Tumeric.  I have terrible Sciatic pain and I really think I need to really get on it. Still trying to incorporate it into my diet.  Turmeric for Sciatica

PEACE ♥